The Stoic Guide to Counting Your Bodily Functions Before You Die
There’s a Stoic idea that says memento mori — remember you will die, so you can live better.
And then there’s my idea, which says:
Remember you will die… so maybe we should calculate how many times we’ll fart before the end.
Both feel spiritually valid.
The ancient Stoics wrote books on courage, discipline, and impermanence.
What they did not do — tragically — was ask:
“Over the course of my mortal journey, will I blink more times than I breathe, or fart more times than I cry?”
Honestly, if Seneca had written that chapter, I would’ve paid a lot more attention in philosophy class.
Breathing: The Undisputed Champion
A Stoic might say,
“Each breath is a reminder that you are still here.”
A modern person might say,
“I took 20,000 breaths today and wasted 19,800 of them in a Walmart.”
Either way, you’ll breathe nearly 600 million times in your lifetime.
A humbling number, considering most of us do it through a nose we didn’t pick.
Heartbeats: Billions of Tiny Drum Solos
Your heart will beat about 3 billion times.
If your heart were an employee, it would’ve unionized by kindergarten.
But every single beat is a reminder of both your strength and your fragility — a perfect Stoic paradox.
Blinks: The Universal Gesture of Trying Your Best
Humans blink around 700 million times.
Most of those blinks happen:
in boring meetings
staring at receipts we don’t understand
price-checking guacamole
pretending to grasp the meaning of “circle back”
Marcus Aurelius never wrote about blinking, but you know he did it aggressively at Senate meetings.
Dreams: Your Brain’s Zero-Budget Movies
You’ll have about 150,000 dreams in your lifetime, and approximately 149,998 will be inexplicable.
Your brain will cast:
your ex
your dentist
your 4th-grade teacher
a raccoon with emotional issues
…in a storyline written by someone who has never seen a full episode of reality.
The Stoic lesson?
You can’t control your dreams — only how you respond to waking up like,
“Well… that was unnecessary.”
Pee, Poop, and Farts: The Humbling Trilogy
Stoics believed in confronting the truth head-on.
So here it is:
Nature does not care about your dignity.
You will:
fart ~700,000 times
pee ~200,000 times
poop ~25,000 times
Even billionaires sit on the toilet like the rest of us.
Memento mori:
One day you will die, but today you will poop.
Surprisingly sacred.
Crying: The Reset Button for the Soul
You will cry a few thousand times.
Some tears will be meaningful, healing, necessary.
Some will be because you dropped a taco or watched a dog reunion video at the wrong time.
Stoics weren’t anti-emotion — they simply believed in letting the wave pass and continuing on your path.
Preferably with a blanket.
The Big Picture
Zoom out, and life is made of billions of tiny, repetitive actions:
billions of heartbeats
millions of breaths
hundreds of thousands of dreams
a respectable amount of farts
and a handful of moments that actually matter
Life isn’t defined by dramatic events.
It’s built out of small ones, repeated faithfully, until the day they stop.
The Stoics weren’t reminding us of death so we’d panic — they were reminding us so we’d wake up.
Marcus Aurelius said it best:
“When you arise in the morning, think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive — to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love.”
So yes — you’ll blink 700 million times.
Enjoy a few.
You’ll fart 700,000 times.
Laugh at some.
You’ll breathe 600 million breaths.
Make a handful intentional.
Memento mori isn’t about fear.
It’s about fullness — breath, heartbeat, laughter, dreams, tears, and the occasional bathroom emergency.
You will die someday.
But today?
You get to live stupidly, joyfully, gratefully.
And honestly… that might be the whole point.
